Over supper last night, we were talking about the possible decision of the House Council that was deliberating on our application letters. Br. Dominggus, our brother assistant, was teasing those who applied.
I volunteered to tease myself.
I told everyone that if ever the council denies my application, I will be more than glad to accept it.
I remember writing in my application letter that "I will be happy to accept your decision regarding my application as a concrete expression of God's most holy will."
Discernment is a tough process. And as I see it, when a "superior" (in the religious life, we call our big bosses that way) speaks his mind, I believe that God uses him as His instrument to make known His will. It is in this regard that the process of discernment, on the part of the formandus (like me), lightens.
And besides, With the state of my family now (my mom needs P10, 500 every week for the next six months for her cancer treatment), that decision is definitely a clear sign from God to provide for my family.
Yesterday in our DB Clay session, one of our lay classmates shared with us her physical unreadiness for a cancer-related therapy. I reckon that she is about my mom's age. And in her face, I pictured my mom's struggles vis-a-vis her battle with the big C.
So far, my mom has been courageous enough to fight out cancer despite her age and the financial situation of the family. I was stunned to hear from her in one of our phone conversations that she disregarded the advice of her doctors to stay away from work for six months during the course of the therapy. She just takes a day off on the treatment day itself which is every Wednesday and reports for work in the other days of the week.
Reflecting about this situation last night, it dawned on me that I should feel bad about the situation. I ought to complain. After all, why should such a thing happen especially now that I am offering my life to the Lord?
But I simply couldn’t.
God has been generous to me. My life has been filled with His Grace. And I wouldn’t know what I could have become if not for Him who has constantly guided me.
The amount of grace He has showered upon me is simply enormous that detailing everything in this blog entry is simply a tedious task. Perhaps, I can talk about it next time.
And so, I don’t think I have reasons to complain to Him for allowing my mom to suffer.
And especially if my application for the first vows would be denied.