This one's for grandma

I got an offline YM message from an aunt working abroad.

She delivered her message into two installments. Two short simple lines. But these rather curt sentences have been the greatest shock I’ve received yet in my entire life.

tita jen (1/30/2008 4:01:44 AM): hi donnie... our beloved NANAY is with GOD now.
tita jen (1/30/2008 4:02:25 AM): She didnt wait for the time to see you say your first mass.

Trying to make sense with her message, my mind was emptied. Everything turned out blank. All my energies went kaput.

My lola’s demise is so far the first serious death in our family. Yes, I remember that an aunt and a cousin died a decade ago, but lola's passing away is different, at least for me.

I literally grew up with her. This is especially true when I was too young and my mom (my dad working abroad) had to leave me each morning in her arms. My lola filled whatever lacuna my mom couldn’t fill.

Call me lola’s boy, but my moments with her will remain the sweetest and most special moments I cannot afford to forget.

I recall that when I was young, she would narrate the adventures of Heidi to me. Each night was a different story, but the character was always Heidi. That would send me to be sleep comfortably.

My lola would tag me along in the market place to buy vegetables and delicacies which she would sell to the neighborhood. When she thought of penetrating the food industry, I was her youngest and most willing dishwasher. It felt good to offer my service to her.

She spoke fluent English. I can’t exactly remember if she they were well-constructed English sentences since I was too young back then. But they sounded really good. Soon, I would realize that I would exert my effort to study the language so that one day, I could use it as I converse with her.

This goal, I would find out, would no longer be realized, or who knows? Maybe, soon.

She was a courageous woman. She would always risk her limbs and even her life, when her children, who were all grownups, would figure into brawls against each other. She would shield the weaker one from the stronger one until she would be hurt in the process. Her screaming cries would eventually signal the rumble into its conclusion.

But still, she loved them all.

If she had any favorites among her children, I guess it would be those who did not make it in life, especially those who were most in need of her care.

She was loved in return by her children and grandchildren. She will always be loved.

Her death is something we all expected. It’s just a matter of when.

Contracting Alzheimer’s disease for about a decade now, I was afraid that she’d go from worse to worst. She couldn’t recognize anyone—from my mom to all of us in the family circle. It came to a point when we had to tie her to her racking chair at times since she got lost for a number of times already. We couldn’t afford to lose her.

My mom who accompanied her in her last moments did it with much love and care. I saw how she endured all difficulties and I am so proud of her.

I wanted to fly to Manila to pay my last respect to her, but I decided against it. I am not ready for such emotional and physical ordeal. I know how fragile I am. And so, the past week has been a one-of-a-kind grieving session—all by myself.

Remembering her in all my prayers for the last five days is the best offering I can do for her.

I was praying to hold her warm hands again upon returning from Cebu; but I guess, some things are not meant to be.

Accepting God's will

Over supper last night, we were talking about the possible decision of the House Council that was deliberating on our application letters. Br. Dominggus, our brother assistant, was teasing those who applied.

I volunteered to tease myself.

I told everyone that if ever the council denies my application, I will be more than glad to accept it.

I remember writing in my application letter that "I will be happy to accept your decision regarding my application as a concrete expression of God's most holy will."

Discernment is a tough process. And as I see it, when a "superior" (in the religious life, we call our big bosses that way) speaks his mind, I believe that God uses him as His instrument to make known His will. It is in this regard that the process of discernment, on the part of the formandus (like me), lightens.

And besides, With the state of my family now (my mom needs P10, 500 every week for the next six months for her cancer treatment), that decision is definitely a clear sign from God to provide for my family.

Yesterday in our DB Clay session, one of our lay classmates shared with us her physical unreadiness for a cancer-related therapy. I reckon that she is about my mom's age. And in her face, I pictured my mom's struggles vis-a-vis her battle with the big C.

So far, my mom has been courageous enough to fight out cancer despite her age and the financial situation of the family. I was stunned to hear from her in one of our phone conversations that she disregarded the advice of her doctors to stay away from work for six months during the course of the therapy. She just takes a day off on the treatment day itself which is every Wednesday and reports for work in the other days of the week.

Reflecting about this situation last night, it dawned on me that I should feel bad about the situation. I ought to complain. After all, why should such a thing happen especially now that I am offering my life to the Lord?

But I simply couldn’t.

God has been generous to me. My life has been filled with His Grace. And I wouldn’t know what I could have become if not for Him who has constantly guided me.

The amount of grace He has showered upon me is simply enormous that detailing everything in this blog entry is simply a tedious task. Perhaps, I can talk about it next time.

And so, I don’t think I have reasons to complain to Him for allowing my mom to suffer.

And especially if my application for the first vows would be denied.

Phone patch with mama

I was with my mom last night on the phone. She called up to say hello.

After exchanging updates (actually it's mostly I who ask questions. Over the past months of being away from them I realized that my query would be always in this order: family, lola's health, relatives, folks in the neighborhood and our dogs), she dwelt more in detailing her condition after her operation last month. One of her kidneys had to be removed. Hearing her animated voice, she seemed to be adjusting well, comparing of course with her voice when I spoke with her while she was in the hospital.

She's back to her usual dynamic self.

This consoled me.

The sweet aftertaste of my conversation with her last night is sort of lingering; maybe because I was able to share with her some personal concerns without much defenses.

And then, she asked me that haunting question again which she asked me last month "Are you really happy?"

I assured her that I am. The sound she produced on the other line told me that she believed me.

And then, she finally told me, "You know, 'Chin, when I pray to the Lord, I always tell him that when you're no longer happy there [in the seminary], I ask him to just return you back to me."

This melted my heart a hundred times.