Sunday, April 26, 2009

Fear of uncertainties

Enjoying the lull moment of the summer respite, I found myself organizing my photos of the past three years and some electronic journal accounts I have kept in my hard disk of years ago.

And then I found one Word file which presents a mental image of myself to me--
six years ago.

Come to think of it, my destiny as a future member of a religious congregation will be set in a more or less clear-cut form: Schedules are imposed. Tasks are all written. Dress code is constantly checked. My years are ruled by the wisdom and values credited to my superiors. Even my merely going out will have to be a fruit of their permission. 

While the present may seem to draw a straight line for me, the future is still packed with doubts. I feel that I am sad about this. Very sad.

I am not comfortable with uncertainties. It brings out the fearful Donnie in me.

Uncertainties remind me of the questions waiting to be answered. It creates much terror in my heart, having to change gears to wield off my personal plans, as a result of unimaginable things waiting to happen in the future.

The incident moved me to realized that however much effort you put in to securely plan for the coming of tomorrow, everything will still be in a big question mark.

Death, I realized is one greatest reminder of that big question mark.

And I told myself, almost withdrawn, nothing much has changed since then.